Pine409

Memories

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 23:57:11 GMT

Well, sometimes seeing someone you haven't seen in a long time, makes you realize how much you missed them.

And sometimes, it also reminds you of memories from your past, for the first time in years (my schizophrenia kinda slowly killed it), I find myself very much missing someone else.

Colin, James, it was great seeing you guys today, much love hombres!

Shuffle Divination (couldn't figure out how to make something this long on FaceBook)

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:31:34 GMT

RULES: Go into your music player and turn shuffle on. Put the song title as the answer to every question. DO IT!

What kind of person am I?::
Wasted Years - Iron Maiden

What was your childhood like?::
Si Muore D'Amore (For Love One Dies)- Ennio Morricone

What was your favorite class in high school like?::
Almost a Kiss - Throbbing Gristle

Tell me about your mother::
Into the Void - Black Sabbath

Tell me about your father::
I Wanna Be Sedated - The Offspring (Ramones Cover)

What was today like?::
I Still Continue - Destroid

What are most days like?::
I Don't Wanna Grow Up - The Ramones

How is my life going?::
Vengeance is Mine - Iced Earth

What song will they play at my funeral?
Lullaby (extended mix) - The Cure

What song will they play at my Wedding?::
Rivers - Skinny Puppy

How can I make the world a better place?::
To a Teacher - Leonard Cohen

Will I have a happy life?::
Bonus Stage - Street Fighter 2 Turbo

What should I do with my life?:
Arise Within You - Parasite Eve

If you had a TV show, what would your theme song be?::
The Superman - David Bowie

What describes my worst enemy?::
-273C (S'apexed) - Newt

What describes my friends?::
The Wasp - The Doors

What do my friends really think of me?::
Death of the Servant - Castlevania 64

Am I a good person?::
Peaceful Day - Chrono Trigger

What is the meaning of life?::
Ray of Darkness, Ray of Light - Valkyrie Profile

Describe your best friend::
The Weedy Burton - The Cure

How will you die?::
Aircutter - Dots and Dashes

Health Problems

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:38:54 GMT

Well I've taken myself down to ER twice since last Friday, because I keep on getting ticks and auras, feelings that a seizure is very close by...they're going to be giving a little more of my anti seizure med but I wish they'd increase it more, I do not, I DO NOT, want to seizure.

Back to regular posting

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 23:17:51 GMT

Well I was pretty happy today, I met my therapist at 9 am at Buchanan's on the Hill. Got a Beehive (Latte with Honey and Vanilla), got a bus pass for next month. I started reading Robert A. Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land" yesterday, can't tell if it's good or not yet. Went to the grocery store, bought large boxes of White Castle cheeseburgers and Jimmy Dean sausage biscuits (the veggie sausage patties with sandwich buns taste so much better it's ridiculous, and feel so much better going down, but are over twice the price).

Played some Diablo 2 with a friend and that's about it, gonna be hanging out with Ben tomorrow..

The Schizophrenic Years from 21 - 24 (almost 25)

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:20:35 GMT

WRITTEN AS IT SEEMED TO ME, AS WHAT IT REALLY WAS WHO KNOWS, GET SCHIZOPHRENIA THEN ASK...

In Seattle, rather than staying with my friend J, I wondered the streets of Seattle homelessly, I did this because I couldn't seem to sit still in J's apartment, had to get out.

It was after the unusual bus ride where I met the man who I believed was immortal.

When I was was at the bus terminal in Colorado leaving for Seattle, I saw a bunch of people wearing shirts that said "Fallen" on them, I thought they were supposed to mean something to me, that I had "fallen" in some way.

The bus ride was unusual and I felt like the old man who's eye flashed blue was trying to get me to take interest in an attractive 20 or so young lady that sat across from us. In my mind I think she was supposed to represent Alicia O.

Anyways I did nothing, and got off at the Seattle terminal and accompanied J back to his place.

On the streets, I asked a group of people if they had anything that would kill me...they said if you're gonna kill yourself man take this, they handed me a small cup with a mint blue liquid inside. I drank it and promptly was outta my mind.

I ran into a girl named Kay, she reminded me of Alicia O, and I asked a man by the library I think that's where I was around he said, "Two beautiful girls, same soul," I thought he meant Kay had the same soul as Alicia O., that somehow they were the same girl.

Anyways I began to think that Kay was a witch, who I had enchanted me to fall in love with her as I knew her, Alicia O., and was just playing tricks on me, a mortal.

I followed this old man around town for a while, thinking he was leading me to Kay's house.

I went into a cafe and sat down in a chair, I asked the woman next to me to hold me, because I was freaking out, she ordered and gave me a peanut butter and banana sandwich, the kind Elvis used to eat.

I thought this must mean, that I need to go back to doing a band...

So I headed back to James' and stayed a few more days there before I headed back to Colorado to do a band.

I was on the streets for at least a week I think maybe two.

So I was back in Colorado...I remember seeing people on the street, and everyone seemed to be trying to tell me something, if I thought something, and then waited to see which way their head moved it would tell me what they meant. It never failed they'd move their head as soon as I thought-asked my question, then they would answer yes with a vertical nod, and no with a horizontal nod.

It took me a while to believe this was happening, but eventually I was pretty much convinced.

The next big thing I remember is lying in my bed while I was at my father's house in Louisville.

I started to hear the sound of horns coming from the upper right central portion of the wall, from what I could tell my father couldn't hear them.

The horns sounded angry and frustrated. Apparently at some point after much question asking and deduction I realized that the horns on the right were people that were good...and the horns I started to hear from the left were people that were evil...

Both wanting different things...

They seemed to be from outside of life, or maybe the afterlife or something like it.

They would answer when I asked questions now with sound, so I had another way of gathering information then the head-checking.

It seems the evil were trapping people in ice and hurting them, wanting to torture them, whereas the good were trying to help people and manage a utopic community.

I wrote a pamphlet called "Eternity" which suggested that Good and Evil both have a place in eternity but that they were gonna have to follow some rules (mainly the evil needing to follow the rules), I suggested that nothing be done between two or more people without mutual consent, and that the second the consent was removed one had to stop doing whatever they were doing to the other person. It also outlined rules for a utopic society with variants so people could feel free while still being bound my neutral and consensual mutual actions, while the actions that are and effect purely the self were pretty much free, these days after hearing these, what were horns and turned to voices for years, I've been suggesting something else. I quit with the liberal suggestions and now suggest purely good will. At the point that I dropped my liberal attitudes and adopted a conservative good samaritan view point my internal world has improved.

I was trying to include .... ""evil while really rewriting it completely, to obey rules, to be community oriented, to be a big facade of the realities of torture and pain...just play with placebos and be content.

This was the start of the schizophrenia in full blown, with the horns and the hallucinations that accompanied them. It started out rather annoying, became very brutal, and is now back to being a nuance, a nuance that prevents me from working, and school (if I could afford it), but more of a nuance.

I thought I was in a parallel universe, due to the odd natures of everyone around me, it seemed like they were being controlled by some force.

I asked a favor of an entity that had entered my mental and spiritual space, named "Geno" who I nicknamed after Genome.
He created humankind...or rather took our immortal souls and fashioned us into humans, with our mortal lifespans.

I asked him to transport me back to my home universe...by moving to areas where no one could see me and there was little movement, asking him to combine the universes and send me back home.

He never did.

And I felt stuck in this parallel universe.

The evil began to act out their intents on me personally, for the sake of evil itself.

I seizured at least 20 plus times over the past 4 years and each seizure but the first (which I cannot remember and happened while swimming) was EXTREMELY painful...

It felt like the kind of thing you would do to torture a deity, not a man, with my body writhing in all directions being sent conflicting signals of what muscles to move what body parts to use, all in mass confusion. And my lip feeling like it had been turned inside out and my eyes rapidly opening and closing out of my control.

So the seizures were said to have been caused by the evil.

It should be explained that the voices and hallucinations I heard changed from being just good and evil, or rather I understood them better...and the space around me (somewhat spiritual space) was on a grid determining the social identity of the presences that communicated with me, this grid has been intact for 3 and a half years or so now.

Up is order, down is chaos, left is evil, right is good, front is masculinity, back is feminity. Center is neutrality.
Order

0
Evil -|- Good Front and back Masculinity and Feminity
/ \
Chaos

So a voice/hallucination coming from up, left, front is Ordered Evil Masculinity.

These are the directions as I perceive them facing forward with my head.

The evil made me think I was going to be stuck on Earth forever at one point, never having the peace of death, or the sanctity of a safe enjoyable afterlife.

They forced many hallucinations of me, visions of torture, spiders, scenes of hellish activity...and often times would trick my mind to believe that these things were not far off or distant but happening to me, this combined with the hallucinations I would experience during seizure made me quite fucking scared.

They'd play with my body, disturbing my sense of balance, my equilibrium, my libido, my feeling of safety...I have experienced MANY odd and sometimes painful or offsetting physical things that the presences sit there and TELL me their doing to me.

I'd feel like a crushed bug on the surface of a deserted planet with no one who could hear me, leaving the presences around me to torture me at whim, most of it not showing on the outward surface (although a great more of it showing than I had originally thought, as I had tried and still try to hide all my INNER activity).

So anyways the visions of torture, spiders, scene of hellish activity, and them feeling like they were directly happening to me, sometimes with little pains that seemed like they would lead into GREAT deals of pain, and sometimes didn't and sometimes did, as I would seizure sometimes.

For about a year and a half this particularly brutal period had occurred.

Since I was 21 with all this going on I had, moved to my dad's, moved to Ben's, gone to Ft Logan, been homeless for probably half a year, gone to jail, gone to my grandmothers, gone to jail again, gone to ft logan again, gone to warner house, then 980, and then alpine, now ending with me having my own apartment.

Ft Logan being a mental hospital, warner house being a halfway house, 980 being assisted living for the mentally ill, alpine being less but still assisted living for the mentally ill, and now me in my own apartment, on my own at last.

At about 23 and a half, about a year and a half ago, things started to improve, pretty bad at first but then getting better...I got on meds, I got in therapy, I got counseling, attended groups etc...

And my symptoms begin to become calmer...

I started having freak outs around the time that I stopped having seizures.

A freak out is like being crushed by all the presences around me and forced to negotiate with them until they pass...unwillingly.

It is like being extremely pestered and made extraodinarily uncomfortable (as you feel you are completely transparent to all around you), it is like tons of anxiety and the feeling that you are going to be crushed. Mentally crushed, freak outs are only physical in how uncomfortable, unsafe, worried, and horrified you become from them.

And are literally the mental equivalent of a seizure. Not in how they work, but in how painful they are.

The freakouts happen because the good and evil are fighting..and they want me to negotiate.

In the end through a series of deductions though I discovered the stated reason of why I have been tortured, so that when you die you will see what happened to me, and it will AUTOMATICALLY hit a switch within you that you will never hurt anyone, and many generations after you will feel the same, and this schizophrenia and the other tortures beings experience are there to end the tortures ultimately at the point that so many of th ebeings of existence have sided to never hurt anyone that no one due to mass influence will ever side there again.

Anyways, that's my schizo there's a lot more to it than explained, but it's hard to remember, when it's not hard to remember, it's hard to express, hard to define.

- Brett

BORING: I'm committing blog crime by recounting my memories in a biography.

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 03:48:27 GMT

I'm going to attempt to write a "short" autobiography...

Well I was born in Charleston, South Carolina, United States, Planet Earth.
On August 8th, 1984.

I don't remember anything about my life until one day when I was three or four and was living in Redondo Beach, California. My family and I were living in an apartment and my mother and father were in a fight. I wrote "I love you" on a piece of paper and told my parents to read it to each other. That's my first memory of being alive.

So I went to an elementary school in California and was not given that much attention by the girls but one noted, "You're nice, you're not like the other guys..." Whether that's true or not I dunno. Suffice to say I was shy and quiet.

Went to first grade at same elementary school. Knew a kid named Mike or Clark or something, we played "Marble Madness" for the NES together. At five my parents had me take acting lessons, specifically improv, I think I had been in a state of improving throughout large portions of my life, unknowingly.

Random Note:(My first grade teacher contracted AIDS at some point after I was in his class)

So I took acting lessons but didn't land a job while living in California. I moved to Atlanta, Georgia, where I attended 2nd and 3rd grade and was in the normal classes as well as the gifted classes for those exceptionally smart elementary schoolers...I got straight A's, I attended 2nd and 3rd grade in Atlanta. I got three acting jobs while in Atlanta. And one radio commercial, the acting jobs were two or three episodes of this old tv show and a small part in a made for tv movie and an even smaller part in a regular movie.

There was a girl who lived next door to me in Atlanta, her name was Amanda. She used to flirt with me although I was too young too know what she was doing, and perhaps she was too. She would watch me play Super Mario World and Mario Paint. She was a nice girl.

I hung out with some of the other boys in the neighborhood and we would "luge" lying on our backs on the skateboards down the STEEP driveway of my home, we would slide under the cars on our skateboards, it was fairly dangerous, I can only imagine what would have happened had we hit a tail pipe.

So...I'm just writing as things come to me here.

My first experience with a spider was when I was at an acting audition in Atlanta, I was walking through some shrubs and I pulled my leg out only to discover a brown spider on my leg and I promptly ran around screaming and shaking my leg furiously attempting to get the spider to remove itself. A passerby noted to my mom that she thought I was quite a fine actor, I guess my mom explained to her I wasn't acting.

There were some kids at my school in Atlanta, (Morningside Elementary) not (Morning Star elementary) mind you, that liked X-Men and TMNT. I never got into it and to this day still remain clueless about those two things. I remember in my gifted class we had a computer with Oregon Trail, every once in a while we go to play it.

It was in Atlanta that I got my first and only dog, Becky Thatcher(named after Tom Sawyer's girlfriend), and it was also there that I had my one...and only experience with a ghost.

I was lying in bed when my Great Aunt's ghost came and visited me...she looked me in the eyes with a strange look and touched my hand (I couldn't feel I don't think)...it was the next morning that my family and I found out that she had died just a few nights before.

In 2nd grade, there was a girl who sat behind me who was a tomboy, she always used to annoy the crap outta me, my mom said she musta liked me, I suppose I'll never know.

So I moved from Atlanta where I had attended 2nd and 3rd grade...to Valdosta, Georgia...a town Billie and I are both familiar with. I lived with my mother and grandmother there for a while, and I attended 4th grade there, or the first half of it.

I made my first black friend in Valdosta, Aaron, we played a lot of Aladdin and Road Rash for Sega Genesis. He mentioned he had Playboy once to me, but I didn't know what it was, and was probably too young to be interested.

I did half of my 4th grade school year in Valdosta, at a VERY southern school...I won a spelling bee and I got allowed time off to have fun playing one of those edutainment computer games in the library...I can't remember it now, what it was called, I think there was an Arthur game from the TV show Arthur, but there was another and I can't recall it at present.
I also wrote and illustrated a small story about a giraffe playing basketball...I also mentioned Elvis in one of my earlier fantasy stories...

So, mid-year fourth grade, I moved to Boulder, CO and attended the 2nd half of 4th grade at Whittier elementary school. I live a few blocks from Whittier now. I remember we made sock puppets once at whittier and I remember a conversation me and some other boys were having. About how the boy had slept in the same bed with a girl, (not sex mind you), because she was scared of the dark. He was quite proud of himself, I didn't really understand what the kids were trying to get at, but I remember hating the pride of that boy.

At Whittier they had an EXPANSIVE collection of the Oz stories by Frank L. Baum so I read those all the time from the school library.

I had been skinny all the years listed so far.

Up until I was in 5th grade I was required to read as many hours as I played video games...so I read A LOT...and played a lot. I had to do the reading first.

I read all the classics, mark twain, hg wells, robert louis stevenson, arabian nights, Ursula K Le Guin, Tolkien...everything, can't remember most of it or the authors at this point, but tons.

I remember in 4th grade in Valdosta I read, this time for school, A Wrinkle In Time.

Anyways onto 5th grade.

I was in Boulder, I lived in Harvest Manors, some apartments just down the way from CU at Folsom and Arapahoe...small apartments with no air conditioning...somehow I had gained a lotta weight and was now fat. I started the school I would attend 5-8th grade at, Horizons...

Horizons is a school for "self directed learners," you're supposed to be really "smart" to go there, or more like, really a leftist Boulderite.

I was just a nerd who didn't even know that's what he was yet. The school was for slackers...no grades, just requirements, if you DID a book report you passed, not how good you made the book report.

I didn't do a lotta work...I still passed.

It was in fifth grade that I made my lifelong friend, cohort, and at sometimes rival (in the past anyways), Ben. Quite Ben, with his hippie ponytail and his Be Green t shirt.

He kicked my ass in chess over the course of a school year, about 50 times straight. I've never beat him at chess. And yes, we were in "Chess Club."

It was in 5th grade that I wore lots of tye dye shirts...and listened to my favorite musician at the time, Jimi Hendrix. I also listened to the beatles, bob marley, janis joplin, and the doors.

I considered myself a hippie. I remember I was friends with a similarly minded kid named Jed...

At school a game developed from my victim temperment and meek physical presence.

Afro...

Two playground platforms, a zip line that connected them...the Afronaters on one side,
and Jed my protecter, and me, the Afro on the other.

The goal, to push me off the playground platforms...for some reason I played this game, there was usually over 10 afronaters with only Jed and me on the other side.

It was in 5th grade that I played two of my favorite games of all time, Donkey Kong Country 1, and Final Fantasy III (US) for Super Nintendo.

I got Ben into both of them, he might have already been into Donkey Kong Country.

I cried during the sad parts of FF III I recall.

It was in 5th grade that I masterbated for the first time (on a whim, while my parents were gone, without even knowing what I was doing), and also played my first really violent video game (without my parents knowing), Killer Instinct.

I lived behind some tennis courts, so I'd collect the balls that went into the apartment's backyard...and use a bat to hit them back over.

I wanted to my father to play with me, but like usual, he was too busy watching sports and drinking...which is alright I guess, but back then I hated it.

I was kissed by a cute girl in 5th grade, but I think it was a pity kiss for being such a wimp...although she said it was because I was cute.

I remember I was staying at a friend of Ben and mine's, Nick's, house...when I first heard "fucking-a"
I thought it was way cool and started saying it myself, starting my experience with cussing.

So 6th grade...........Star Wars...
I became obsessed with Star Wars in 6th grade. I don't really remember it so will skip to 7th grade.

7th grade, Ben has moved on to fairview for his freshman year...so I made new friends, and hung out with some old. My new best friend, Julian, was kinda like Ben...a bully.

And I was a joker.

And Lars, Julian's friend, was rich.

And Lucas, the computer nerd (who has sold programs for money to Sega at this point), was the lowest in the ranks...

First Julian, Then Lars, Then Me, Then Lucas...then there were two other kids that didn't hang with us but got most of the beatings...Kyle (one of my favorite people to this day) and Dana.

So that was the pecking order...I didn't get picked on that much...and was able to make bad jokes to keep myself afloat....Lucas was able to do to computer stuff for us so got by fairly well, although one time Julian poured his V8 juice all over him...Lucas' V8 juice.

But Dana and Kyle LOATHED Julian with a passion.

I was later known as a betrayer by Julian for becoming good friends with Kyle, who introduced me to Star Trek and whom I introduced to Star Wars and Magic the Gathering.

Kyle and I got really good at Super Smash Bros and would have insane 1 on 1 fights. I was a little better though.

So anyways, Star Wars and Magic were 7th and 8th and 9th grade.

In 9th grade, I attended Fairview, I stopped wearing the boring nerdy clothes I liked, and tried to fit in, getting some Polo shirts and Cargo shorts to fit in as a prep (not that I knew what that was).

I never really fit in anyways, and I was too blatantly nerdy...one girl asked me...and I couldn't tell and still am not sure, but she seemed like she was ok with it but then also maybe making fun of me when she asked...(On Star Wars), "So you have all the movies right?" Me "Yes"
Her "And all the action figures" Me "Some" "And the posters" Me "some" etc... it was pretty funny.

I remember the first Friday I attended Fairview, some seniors spotted me in my Star Wars shirt and made me do 10 pushups...at this time I was still overweight.

So I did my pushups and I found a liking for a girl just a few locker's down from Julian and I's locker, Caroline...But she was a real looker and I was a real loser so I never tried.

I remember in middle school Julian was a different person, but in high school, he bought all the right clothes (which I didn't know what that was yet, although was trying to fit in myself), started weight training with a personal ex seal weight trainer, and became a rather amusing self deprecating bully to maybe something a bit less appealing.

I was still friends with him when him and two other rich kids (my family being fairly poor, especially for Boulder), made so much fun of me that I just never hung out with him again.

So going from straight a gifted student, to middle school slacker, to high school near drop out with a 1.5 gpa I crawled my way to Sophomore year.

Fitting in didn't work so I started dressing like a poser skater...Jnco's and Vans and what not.

I didn't know how to skate though, although I have skated at different times in my life now with varying degress of very amateur ability.

I got into the band Orgy...and then a few months later, Ben and I, hanging out together once again after being reunited in high school...got into...the band that started all my madness...Metallica.

OLD Metallica.

I dropped out of high school about half a school year into my sophomore year.

I kept wearing skater clothes and always had my metallica cds with me, I went to my first concert with Ben...Machine Head, I moshed got kicked in the groin and kept moshing the whole show.

Loved it, couldn't believe it.

Then I got into Pantera, Sepultura and Megadeth, but none of them I liked as much as Metallica (much later in life, and bizarrely, Megadeth became of one of my favorite bands ever...despite me thinking that in a way they really are pretty bad)

Then it was Garage Inc that changed Ben and I's lives once again...an all cover album by Metallica, Garage Inc had covers of both The Misfits, and Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

I was sixteen, weight lifting, listening to Metallica when The Misfits indoctrinated myself into punk rock. I stopped saying words like "gay" and started saying "lame," questioning that because lame is what you call a disabled person...

Got real PC, dyed my hair wore spikes, and did a non conformist-non conformist punk jacket...
with B-52's, The Cure, and Pink Floyd patches along with Dead Kennedy's and Misfits.

I listened to Jello Biafra and Henry Rollins spoken word like they were gods...and liked their bands as well.

I fell in love with a girl online...a year later, during our first phone call, I found out she was really a gay guy, of the same age, everything about him the same, but a guy.

I decided to meet him...we met but I didn't really have any feelings for him, and I wasn't gay or even bi.

But I got him to apply make up to me...and when I got back from visiting him I started wearing make up.

I read books like The Celestine Prophecy, Conversation with God, The Artist's Way, and the Psychic Pathway.

I was a punk rock transvestite new ager.

And I had started to notice a lotta synchronicity in my life...and I asked god to bring me a soulmate, and that's when I met...when I went back to school for my "Senior"/Junior year.

Alicia Lewis and Alicia Ordal.

Alicia Lewis was my best friend for a while, and I was quite fond of her and her pretty lover, James. I felt a kinship with him and her that I had never really felt with anyone. But I felt a much stronger, and romantic kinship with Alicia Ordal.

I had asked Fate to meet my soul mate, and I had described her...

Likes The Cure, likes cats, pale, honest, etc.

Alicia was all these things and much more.

I fell in love but alas she had a boyfriend when we first met and after they seperated she said she felt about me that, we should be only friends...although when we first met she said she would go out with me if she hadn't already been taken. And I felt that she had a fondness for me...

Much synchronicity, psychic events, and general loving life ensued.

I dropped out and...

But Alicia O. and I never got together...and I was forced to deal with the feeling that fate had somehow betrayed me.

It was also at this time, that I bought my first Bad Seeds album, "Murder Ballads," and my first Bauhaus album, "In The Flat Field," which I got into the first a year later, and the later three years later.

So I took a job to Mexico, where I had to walk, talk, and be all man. And I pulled it off, and when I came back, it was no longer androgyny that I wore, but instead suits and cigarettes, dress shirts and boots, and shiny dress shoes.

I was intending to become butch, for lack of a better turn, thinking that would make me happier...and it did...or at least more content.

So the years passed, album after album, artist after artist...with me dabbling in musical endeavours with my friends, first on piano, then on drums, later on drums and vocals separately.

Never really got the vocals down though but was planning too when all my plans were interrupted at 21.

At 21, just turning 21 I went onto the grayhound bus to visit my friend J...

The bus trip was bizarre...everything seeming to have meaning and one particularly scary moment when a supernatural blue light flashed in front of this one man's eyes...a man I believed to be immortal...it scared the shit outta me.

I was in Seattle, and this is when I started experiencing my schizophrenia...

Then til' the present.

I'll go into the schizophrenic part up until the present possibly...

But for now...

That's all folks.

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 03:52:05 GMT

I don't think I'm gonna keep writing the movies down that I watch, watch too many...or at least have been for the past few days.

Watched Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome just now, anyways

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 00:45:24 GMT

I just now finished watching, "Naked Gun 33 and a 1/3," that has one of the funniest opening sequences I have seen in any movie ever.

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 22:26:30 GMT

Just finished watching, "Nico" aka "Above the Law," an early Steven Seagal movie

Move the buffalo (movie buff-alo)

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 16:49:59 GMT

I watched

Judge Dredd
Commando (with Schwarzenegger)
Naked Gun 2 and a 1/2
Big Fish
and Octopussy yesterday.

Today I just watched A View to A Kill.

I'm just writing this down so I have a record. More posts as films are watched.

Things I can now be disgusted by, that in the past I would have never thought possible

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 01:02:05 GMT

Where as in the past I held a some of these things dear and some not, sometimes, though not all the time I find myself disgusted with

Romantic and platonic love
Hate
Sexual pleasure
The prospect and perhaps the reality of sex, love, and relationships
Feeling the flow of music
Conformity AND Non-conformity
Fear
Weakness
Evil
Broken record dialogues
Alchohol
Partying
Good
Video Games
Movies
Life
Just god it gets so dreary and contrived, and the old seeking truth prospect, when truth and lie have both failed to be rewarding or enjoyable

I find a lot of times, one thing and its opposite, and its alternates, AND the middle ground, and the place of neutrality and the absence of it, to all be tiring and redundant.

Boring...god just to dredge along day by day...need something I can actually enjoy...or if not enjoy, give some meaning, I try to give my life meaning on occasion but feel to full of shit to believe it...maybe that's too subjective, wanting meaning, maybe I just have to hit a contentment switch or something and reality being exactly the same will somehow be more pleasant I dunno.

I guess I enjoyed playing Monkey Island a lot today but god I feel empty afterwards.

Maybe I'm trying to find the end of Pi or something, I think that's what my life has been since I was a teenager was trying to find the end of Pi, I dunno....I need SOMETHING but I dunno what it is and things I can think of don't qualify, I feel like when I was younger things would just be alright I didn't have to worry about them, but as I age it seems I have less and less to look forward too, very vacant man here...a thousand non-curses for a thousand non-issues. Guess I'm still here, that might be alright I guess.

I've lost my soul.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 19:03:23 GMT

My sole. My solace. My solititude.

In the candy store you bought sweets but you turned out sour.

In answer to a question on FaceBook

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 00:39:40 GMT

List of current PC (not video games for emulation) Games on Computer:

American McGee's Alice (Alicia Lewis told me about this ages ago and I just tried it today, incredible)

Blood

Caesar 3

Crusader No Regret

Crusader No Remorse

Commander Keen

Deus Ex

Diablo

Diablo II and Expansion

Doom

Doom 2

Doom 3

Duke Nukem 3D

Grim Fandango

Heretic

Heroes of Might and Magic II

Heroes of Might and Magic III

Hexen

Magic the Gathering: Duels of the Planeswalkers

Masters of Orion II

Monkey Island 1-4

Quake II

Return to Castle Wolfenstein

Shadow Warrior

Simcity 2000, 3000, 4

Starcraft and expansion

Tie Fighter

Warcraft II Battle Net Edition

Wing Commander Prophecy

Wolfenstein 3D

Worms Armageddon

X Wing

X Wing Alliance

I got all these games to work under Vista as well, utilizing patches and dos emulation programs/windows compatibility tricks.

I like the monkey island series because it deals with pirates gotta love pirates.

Smoke that ass

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:52:16 GMT

That about says it.

New poetry!

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 22:21:40 GMT

I've got four new poems up at my webpage

http://www.geocities.com/alanrinch/Poetry1.html

I haven't had the internet for a few weeks so I've got a few things lying around, I started doing a 12 week course from the book by Julia Cameron, "The Artist's Way" its supposed to unblock your creativity and unleash your inner potential!

One Night in Bangkok makes the hard man humble

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 00:17:59 GMT

Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble...(later in song)

I don't see you guys rating
The kind of mate I'm contemplating
I'd let you watch, I would invite you
But the queens we use would not excite you.

LOVE: Is a Battlefield

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 20:20:05 GMT

The new movie, where ex-cop Pat Benetar, is pitted against an angry mob of low lifes, and riff raff out to kill your long time love for betraying their drug syndicate. Where the love of Law and the law of Love meet on the edge of a cliff struggling to hold onto each other when every dirty criminal within 5000 miles is out to kill you and yours.

Will Pat and her love survive?

Watch to find out.

Ska

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 23:15:05 GMT

Someone recently brought up liking ska to me at a point in their past...

I haven't been able to stand it for years but the best ska band I knew of was The Toasters...

It took some brain rearranging but I still love Frankenska and Secret Agent Man by them.

It's two tone rather than that punk/ska atrocities like Mustard Plug and Skankin' Pickle.

Good stuff...especially when you're playing Mario Kart.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:11:44 GMT

J, if you hate SoM, you'll get a kick out of the song I'm currently listening too, it's a similar style to the sisters of mercy or in this case, far far worse, made for the 80s horror film The Lost Boys this is has got to be the worst goth song I have ever heard.

Writer's Block: Nature Gone Wild

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 15:42:38 GMT

Field mice always sleep facing northwest. Kangaroos can't walk backwards. Female hyenas have penises. Let's face it, nature is weird. What's the strangest thing you know about the animal kingdom?

Submitted By kaley_93

View 500 Answers

Something about priests and domestic pets.

Arbitary Writing (Stream of my conscience)

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 15:10:38 GMT

Due to schizophrenia I called off art for about two years (I can't draw or write like I used too, as the vocabulary and images of the presences in my mind control my thoughts) I'm waiting to die but it may be a long time, I can't kill myself because I'm afraid too, afraid I'll survive so I march to the beat of a beaten drum...

As etiquette marched on a
As antiquity marched on a

A banquet, a feast...for both BEAUTY and BEAST.

Indigestion and a trite trivial tidal glance
The glare of a man who's in a trance

Is it the delicacies or is it the sweets
That keeps this man on both his feets

Loathe the company
Loathe the comrade
Loathe the countess

And love the station where they all must disembark

On a quest for Noah and his X rated ark

I found it in St. Louis

I stood under it as the sun shone above it

And I called that saint a fucking git

And that one woman didn't give a shit

Renowned and renounced

Disowned and denounced

Betrayer and betrayal

Can't match the cup that's filled from head to tail

Oh from this cup I drink, from this cup I've drunk

The eternal Eden the death of the internal Hedon

May truth ride victorious over the crafting of liars

And may this banner start many fires

Fires fires flame and flaming

Dires dires dame and daming

Release me from your friendliest grip

And drink the poison sip after sip

Oh sweet release, oh heavenly breath

Let me die, a martyr's death.

Recent purchase and sympathy to J

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:44:11 GMT

I'm sorry you're having a hard time J. I watch James Bond movies when life starts to suck too much.

I bought final fantasy 7 for a weighty 65 bucks used at game force, thats the greatest hits copy, the original print is 75 bucks.

The lame thing being that I OWN ff7 for pc already but it doesnt work on laptop.

Also I kicked Metroid Primes ass with an 100 percent completion, unlocked hard mode havent tried it.

I played Metroid Prime for about a month straight before I moved to this new apartment a few weeks ago.

Metroid Prime has gotta be one of the best games I've ever played.

Persona update, I took this test 2 years ago and my results have changed

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:07:42 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|	18%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Humanitarian	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|	16%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Family drive	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Physical Fitness	\|\|	%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Honor	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Thriftiness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 08:23:32 GMT

Well, I went to bed at like 4 pm and I'm up now, its 1 am. I'm drinking Chocolate Milk.

I noticed one of my friends is off my friends list so I apologize to that person for my being rude a few months ago. I was kinda outta my mind at the time.

I don't know what else to say, sorry man.

I was hoping you'd just flip me off.

Anyways, I just had a bizarre dream, than a voice said, "act actor you want" so I picked Vincent Price than Christopher Walken, I've got a new hipper 10 top album list.

Christian Death - Only Theatre of Pain
The Cure - Pornography
Type O Negative - World Coming Down
Sisters of Mercy - Floodland
Bauhaus - In the Flat Field
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Tender Prey
Death in June - What Ends When the Symbols Shatter?
David Bowie - Low
Depeche Mode - Violator
Joy Division - Unknown Pleasures

And Top 10 Songs

Metallica - Orion (instrumental)
Jan Hammer - Crockett's Theme (from Miami Vice)
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - The Mercy Seat
Vangelis - Blade Runner theme
Peter Murphy - A Strange Kind of Love
Culture Club - The Crying Game
The Cure - A Forest
The Cure - All Cats are Gray
The Birthday Party - Jennifer's Veil
Billy Idol - Eyes without a Face

Writer's Block: If Wishes Were Horses

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 22:50:50 GMT

From shooting stars to stray eyelashes, there are a lot of ways to make a wish. What's your preferred method for asking favors from the universe?

Submitted By clamp_x

View 500 Answers

At gunpoint.